...
I know everything that's happening is a product of my own failings. I can come to terms with that. In retrospect, there are hundreds of things I could have done differently, and things would not be this way. But, I'm not stupid enough not to realize that it would be some other shit, different shit, but still shit. There's no such thing as the perfect life. Or the perfect person, but we're punished because this is so... we're punished like it's our fault perfection is a farce.

He's going to fall out of love with me and leave me, because Hiro loves him. And how can I compete with that? I won't... I can't. I'll let him go because his happiness means the world to me. I can be content sitting on the sidelines because that's what he wants. I wish it didn't have to be this way. But what am I good for besides making people miserable? I can't even make myself happy, I was never capable of making him happy.

We're both guilty of failing each other, though, and of not showing how much we need and love each other. Just like I do fucked up things and hurt him, he does the same. He can't even CHOOSE me. He can't even say if he wants to be with me. Yet, I'm the shithead. That's fine, too. I can take all of the blame. If I lose Shuichi, though, I think I'll lose myself. I'm already so close to the edge, and now I see him slipping away. When did I start to need the little asshole? I don't even know. He's infected me, but I can't live without him. It's like the disease that keeps me alive, me healthy.

I should have seen it coming. I'm the idiot for not.

I just wish he could have said he did want to be with me. Then I would be happy. I wouldn't be sitting here waiting for the world to fall apart around me.

I will let him go, though. Because that's what he'll want.