Whatever

...

2005-11-04T16:55:01Z

Seguchi says to write more. Like I don't spend most of my fucking life writing, worrying about writing, and talking about writing. The last thing I need is to sit infront of his goddamn computer and write. Still, he nags; he sits there with that fucking smile on his face. I wonder if he'd still smile that way if I punched him in the jaw.

That's what I need to do. Not this.

...

2005-04-25T00:42:17Z

Goddamn pink meowing penguin. I keep rolling on it, and it wakes me up five times a night.

...

2005-04-14T16:55:10Z

I know everything that's happening is a product of my own failings. I can come to terms with that. In retrospect, there are hundreds of things I could have done differently, and things would not be this way. But, I'm not stupid enough not to realize that it would be some other shit, different shit, but still shit. There's no such thing as the perfect life. Or the perfect person, but we're punished because this is so... we're punished like it's our fault perfection is a farce.

He's going to fall out of love with me and leave me, because Hiro loves him. And how can I compete with that? I won't... I can't. I'll let him go because his happiness means the world to me. I can be content sitting on the sidelines because that's what he wants. I wish it didn't have to be this way. But what am I good for besides making people miserable? I can't even make myself happy, I was never capable of making him happy.

We're both guilty of failing each other, though, and of not showing how much we need and love each other. Just like I do fucked up things and hurt him, he does the same. He can't even CHOOSE me. He can't even say if he wants to be with me. Yet, I'm the shithead. That's fine, too. I can take all of the blame. If I lose Shuichi, though, I think I'll lose myself. I'm already so close to the edge, and now I see him slipping away. When did I start to need the little asshole? I don't even know. He's infected me, but I can't live without him. It's like the disease that keeps me alive, me healthy.

I should have seen it coming. I'm the idiot for not.

I just wish he could have said he did want to be with me. Then I would be happy. I wouldn't be sitting here waiting for the world to fall apart around me.

I will let him go, though. Because that's what he'll want.

Oh Fuck

2005-03-05T05:50:19Z

They can't keep it in their pants. It's inevitable. Get them together and they start fucking. They completely forget about the past, about hate, about everyone else just so that they can get their dicks (or whatever anatomy they possess) off.

That's fucking it. I'm not fucking any of them. Not a single one.

Here's a list of the top 110 banned books. Bold the ones you've read. Italicize the ones you've read part of. Underline the ones you specifically want to read (at least some of). Read more. Convince others to read some.

#1 The Bible
#2 Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
#3 Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes
#4 The Koran
#5 Arabian Nights
#6 Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
#7 Gulliver’s Travels by Jonathan Swift
#8 Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer
#9 Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne
#10 Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman
#11 The Prince by Niccolò Machiavelli
#12 Uncle Tom’s Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe
#13 Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank
#14 Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert
#15 Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens
#16 Les Misérables by Victor Hugo
#17 Dracula by Bram Stoker
#18 Autobiography by Benjamin Franklin
#19 Tom Jones by Henry Fielding
#20 Essays by Michel de Montaigne
#21 Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
#22 History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire by Edward Gibbon
#23 Tess of the D’Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy
#24 Origin of Species by Charles Darwin
#25 Ulysses by James Joyce
#26 Decameron by Giovanni Boccaccio
#27 Animal Farm by George Orwell
#28 Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwel
#29 Candide by Voltaire
#30 To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee (Everyone should read this book at LEAST once.)
#31 Analects by Confucius
#32 Dubliners by James Joyce
#33 Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
#34 Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway
#35 Red and the Black by Stendhal
#36 Das Capital by Karl Marx
#37 Flowers of Evil by Charles Baudelaire
#38 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
#39 Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D. H. Lawrence
#40 Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
#41 Sister Carrie by Theodore Dreiser
#42 Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
#43 Jungle by Upton Sinclair
#44 All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque
#45 Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx
#46 Lord of the Flies by William Golding
#47 Diary by Samuel Pepys
#48 Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway
#49 Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy
#50 Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
#51 Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak
#52 Critique of Pure Reason by Immanuel Kant
#53 One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey
#54 Praise of Folly by Desiderius Erasmus
#55 Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
#56 Autobiography of Malcolm X by Malcolm X
#57 Color Purple by Alice Walker
#58 Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger
#59 Essay Concerning Human Understanding by John Locke
#60 Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
#61 Moll Flanders by Daniel Defoe
#62 One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
#63 East of Eden by John Steinbeck
#64 Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison
#65 I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
#66 Confessions by Jean Jacques Rousseau
#67 Gargantua and Pantagruel by François Rabelais
#68 Leviathan by Thomas Hobbes
#69 The Talmud
#70 Social Contract by Jean Jacques Rousseau
#71 Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
#72 Women in Love by D. H. Lawrence
#73 American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser
#74 Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler (I'm too scared to)
#75 Separate Peace by John Knowles
#76 Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
#77 Red Pony by John Steinbeck
#78 Popol Vuh
#79 Affluent Society by John Kenneth Galbraith
#80 Satyricon by Petronius
#81 James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
#82 Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
#83 Black Boy by Richard Wright
#84 Spirit of the Laws by Charles de Secondat Baron de Montesquieu
#85 Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut
#86 Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George
#87 Metaphysics by Aristotle
#88 Little House on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder
#89 Institutes of the Christian Religion by Jean Calvin
#90 Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse
#91 Power and the Glory by Graham Greene
#92 Sanctuary by William Faulkner
#93 As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
#94 Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin
#95 Sylvester and the Magic Pebble by William Steig
#96 Sorrows of Young Werther by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
#97 General Introduction to Psychoanalysis by Sigmund Freud
#98 Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
#99 Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee by Dee Alexander Brown
#100 Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
#101 Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman by Ernest J. Gaines
#102 Émile by Jean Jacques Rousseau
#103 Nana by Émile Zola
#104 Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
#105 Go Tell It on the Mountain by James Baldwin
#106 Gulag Archipelago by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
#107 Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein
#108 Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Peck
#109 Ox-Bow Incident by Walter Van Tilburg Clark
#110 Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes

...

2005-02-19T02:24:46Z

I wanted to make today normal. I bought a bottle of Tohma's favorite rum, though I don't know why I chose that out of my selection. I grabbed cake, and decided to watch the movie Versus. So, I lay down in bed, turned out the lights, and ate the cake. Washing it down with rum, of course. The movie was good. Nothing like watching hot Japanese men fight on screen when you're full of Tohma's special mix, and cake.

The movie ended. I felt normal. A little squeamish from the drinking, but normal. It was like every other day before he came into my life.

But then the credits rolled.

Editor: Shuichi...

I didn't even see the last name. It just all crashed in around me again. All I could do was drink from the bottle until I was ready to puke.

When the fuck did I turn into this?

And now it feels like every object in the room is breathing with me, swimming in this thick, dense air. I'm just floating above it all.

uesugieiri_yuki @ 2005-02-13T06:05:00

2005-02-13T11:20:42Z

I wanted to do it. I wanted to look him in the face and tell him to get his crap and get out.

I wanted to push him out of my life because I know that I just make him miserable. He deserves to be happy. The only way to get rid of him would be to break his heart completely, to shatter him into pieces small enough for me to sweep out of the door. Then he could pick himself up and put himself back together. But I would be gone, out of his life, and he could find someone to make him happy.

But then he came in and looked at me with those annoying wide eyes, bony arms around my waist. Filling with predictable tears and limp trembling, just signaling that an explosion was inevitable. Sure enough, there came the tears and the screams.

"You're everything to me. Please don't turn me away."
"Yuki, I don't care if you think there's something wrong with you. I don't think so."
"And it's all I want. It's all I need."
"I love you."
"It should be so easy for you to just find someone else. I wouldn't live through it though. I really would die."
"Thank you. Yuki. For loving me, no matter how annoying and immature I am. You're the best."
"Do you need me?"

Yes, I need you.

It's like I force myself to live one of my own novels when he acts that way. Because for some reason, those tears made his eyes shine brighter, and I could have stared into them forever. His trembling limp was swollen from biting, pink, and delicious looking. I wanted it between mine. His arms were soft and supple, perfectly molded and around me firmly. Everything about him screamed perfection.

Do you need me?

You little punk. He knows the answer, but he likes to ask. I suppose I understand. I do the same thing. We all need to be reassured, no matter how useless it is in the long run.

So, I couldn't kick him out. I could only grab him and put him in my lap so that we could sit together. He doesn't know what he does to me... he doesn't believe that he affects me as he does. I suppose this is my fault since I am so good at hiding everything.

It had been over a day; he had left angry. I was hungry for him... a full body desire to consume and own him. But, I took it slow, knowing he needed some measure of sweetness. Physical sensation to match the confessions he had managed to force out of me with that beautiful, full lipped pout of his.

Boyish hips swung to meet mine, hands trembling against my shoulders and back. Breathing from the mouth, tongue in the corner of his lips as if he were concentrating. Eyes slammed shut, a look of pain. Thighs caressing my hips, a sign of his physical agitation, the coiling pressure and pain building that I would release when I felt the time was right.

I found myself watching all of this, admiring. And there's a strange pride in knowing all of that belongs to me.

I won't tell him this, I don't want his head to get any bigger. Too big, and it might not be so pretty anymore.

.....

2005-02-13T01:40:51Z

You wear the same innocent, harmless smile. Green eyes opened wide, staring with make believe kindness; the countenance that people fall for again and again. I hate this about you, because I know what a liar your face is, and what's behind that smile. I see through you.

Malice, manipulation, control.

My smile, the one you give to me, is different, a secret smile reserved only for when you look at me. I see it. So does everyone else. You know this, but you don't care, do you? Seguchi Tohma, in love with Eiri Yuki? Love? That's such bullshit, Tohma. It's lust. It's always been lust. You fed from my dependency, and I fed off of the unadulterated affection you lavished on me. Young boys loved to be pampered, after all.

I hate these smiles because they're all you ever wear. Why can't I make you hurt like me? It's always the same. Patience and love. Like I'm a little boy, too fragile and naive to know any better; your hands and voice soothe every demon.

They do, and this is also what I hate about you.

No matter what I do, you won't go away; you won't stop smiling at me. You won't stop knocking. You won't stop touching me every chance you get. And I can't fucking stop you because you know me better than myself.

...

2005-01-13T20:54:57Z

Why am I the one on medication when I wouldn’t be half as crazy as I am now if I didn’t have to put up with him? If someone would just put him on some Ritalin, or maybe give him a good horse tranquilizer every night, I could finally have some peace of mind. But no, I am the one choking down pill after pill to keep my head together. That’s it. For every pill I take, I am going to crack him over the head. That way, he can feel a bit of my pain.

I must be...

2005-01-07T06:44:51Z

... insane.